It won’t get better, but I’ll finally be okay.

All the memories, all the hurt, and all the tears flood my mind.

I break.

Eyes water, voice breaks, and I leave class.

I need the space. I need the time. I need to think. I need to calm myself down.

I walk to studio with the tears rushing down my face. A friend sees my pain and asks if I’m okay. I shake my head, walk past him, place all my stuff down, and make my way up the stairs.

Each step takes me closer to the edge. The tears keep filling my eyes, making it harder for me to see where I’m going. Blinded by the tears to where I’m walking as I’m mindlessly wandering in the confusion that’s filling my head.

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know of I can keep living through this. In my heart, I know I can. But my brain won’t let me.

The battle between my heart and my brain has been going on for years.

I cry as my body automatically leads myself to a fall that would end it all. I’m still blinded by the tears, but I can vaguely see the view I always loved to see. The view that I ran up the stairs to see everyday. The clear sky with clouds scattered here and there. The mountains that framed the city and tied it to the sky. The brick buildings, The cars and motorcycles. The nature and the peace it brings.

It can be over right now. The stress, the hurt.

Do I want to end it? What about all that I’ve achieved? And all that I will make of myself in the world?

As much as it hurts. I will heal.

I tell myself that it’ll work itself out. You’ll do what you can and there’s nothing you need to be this upset over.

Hurt and pain come with life. How would we have pure joy if we didn’t know what heart-aching pain was.

I’ll keep fighting. I know I’m not the only one. I know I do have things that other people are struggling to get. I know there are a lot of people who care about me. I know my family is struggling too.

I will be okay. Nothing will ever get better. The past will always haunt me and won’t ever change. But one day, I will be okay with it. I’ll move on and I’ll make new memories. There will still be pain, but I’ll be strong. For me, for my family, for my friends.

I talk to my friend and he talks to me.

As much as I can talk myself into it, I can talk myself out of it.

The tears dry up. I smile. I will be okay and with every hurt, I become stronger.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s